Why I Joined the Mormon Church: Part Two

If this is your first time reading this blog you should read the post from last week. Last week was part one; this post is part two of my conversion story to the Mormon Church. Last week I left you with a depressing cliffhanger, for which I apologize. But before my story gets better I will have to tell you “of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins (Enos 1:2).”

I left off with telling you guys that my journey through a living hell started when I realized that I had no faith in God. It’s important to know that I didn’t become a full-fledged atheist, I leaned more toward agnostic (a term that means I wasn’t sure if there was a God or not). After that moment in class where I realized I didn’t believe in God, I decided that I would have to start from square one and accept the things that I did not know. I knew that I could no longer assume there was a God; I had to find him myself and gain my own conviction that he did in fact exist, or not exist.

With football out of the picture I had lots of time on my hands to think things through and do lots of research. I became bitter towards those who had faith in Christ, particularly those of the LDS faith. My friends around me were mostly LDS so that is what I had to confront. I began to tear down those who had faith, and began researching websites filled with Anti-Mormon sentiment to help me make a case for why it was absurd to blindly accept God and the claims of the Prophet Joseph Smith. My friends were very patient with me and would often bear their testimonies about how they knew, rather than confront me. Although I was lashing out at those around me in anger and frustration, deep down inside I wanted what they had. I wanted to believe there was a God, but my rational mind would not let me accept that notion without a real cause that there indeed was a God.

I had an intense longing to have a true purpose in my life, something to anchor me in an increasingly complex and lonely world. There were many nights where I would lay awake and look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I was, why I was here on earth, and what the purpose of life was. Without faith in the Atonement of Christ life began to lose its flavor, everything about life became dull and gray. All the color and variety of life began to fade away as though it were wisped away in the wind. My relationships with others were greatly affected by those feelings. Hanging out with my friends lost its meaning, conversations lost their flavor, and when I thought of my future I had no motivation to improve because I knew life would end and everything I could accomplish would mean nothing. The fleeting pleasure of sin became superficial and unfulfilling, in essence the “party life” I was leading could not fill the void I felt in my soul. Much like the Nephites (one of the ancient inhabitants of the Americas recorded in the Book of Mormon), the Lord “would not always suffer (me) to take happiness in sin” (Mormon 2:13). Nothing could cure my insatiable thirst for a knowledge of the mysteries of God that were hidden from my eyes. To help you understand the spiritual darkness I was experiencing, (maybe you have experienced this in your life and don’t need the following analogy) imagine that you have been asleep for a long time and you wake up in a pitch-black room with thick darkness pressing upon your body insomuch that you could “feel the vapor of darkness; and there could be no light, because of the darkness” (3 Ne. 8:20-21). All you know at this point is that you exist. You have no idea why you’re in this strange dark room. There are no readily available answers, and you’re not even sure if there is a light switch, let alone where it is. You hope and you pray that one day you will be delivered from the darkness and find the answers that you seek. That is the best way I know how to describe the mental and spiritual hell I passed through for the next few months of my life. But through all of this, I was not truly alone; the Lord wanted me to realize what life was like without him. He wanted me to hit the bottom of the barrel so that the only place to look was up.

I remember vividly the first time during all this that I had a quiet assurance that God did indeed live. I was in the shower pondering and I had this gentle feeling come over me that there was a God. It was subtle but powerful. I got dressed and walked outside to catch the bus to Utah State campus. The wind gently blew in my face and the trees quietly rocked in breeze, and I had the same feeling come over me again, I knew that there would be an end to the darkness. I was immediately filled with a desire to discover who or what God was and what he wanted for my life. I was drawn to the LDS doctrine. It illuminated my mind and answered so many questions that I had never had answered in my previous exposure to religions, but at the same time it created many questions. I began to read more on the internet from the critics of the church and compared that with what I had learned from the missionaries. Over a period of time I realized that I could not logically prove or disprove the claims of Joseph Smith (the founder of the LDS church, a prophet of God) and neither could those who sought to undermine the truthfulness of the church. It slowly dawned on me that I was going to have to take faith on somebodies word, because nobody on the earth today was in the sacred grove with Joseph Smith when God the Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him. That was a hard realization to come to; I knew that faith was the only logical answer because nobody had a true knowledge of those events.

The school year soon came to a close while I wrestled with my faith. I returned home and had time to piece together the hardest year of my life. During the summer there were days when I believed that the LDS church was true and there were days when I had nothing but doubts. I was on the fence deciding which side I wanted to land on. During this period my parents invited to come to church with them, the non-denominational church I grew up going to. I accepted their invitation and attended the sermon. Interestingly this would be the moment that would push me over the edge to accept the truths that the missionaries had taught me. During his sermon the pastor began talking about the Mormon Church. He said that the missionaries had come to his house and asked him to read the Book of Mormon. My ears perked up during this moment because this was the very thing I was going through in my life. He said they asked him to pray about it, and his answer was that he already knew that the Book of Mormon was not a part of God’s plan or gospel and, above all, he knew he didn’t need to pray about it. This was a critical moment for me because that’s when I realized that is exactly what I needed to do; I needed to pray about it. God knew that and he helped me know it. The spirit came over me and warned me that what he had just said was not true. It was an undeniable experience and I knew both what God was trying to say and what it meant. This was the first time I had actually recognized the spirit for what it was during this whole process. It was a shocking answer to me because I didn’t even believe in the Book of Mormon yet, but I knew what I felt. I went home that day and read the small pamphlets the missionaries had given to me months ago. When I read about the plan of salvation, all those truths that had been hidden beyond the veil of unbelief were suddenly as clear to me as the noonday sun on a cloudless day. I felt in my heart that God had a plan for me and I knew that I knew he was real. The doctrines I had been taught by the missionaries were the truths my soul had been hungering for and they filled the holes in my heart. I knew immediately that I wanted and needed to be baptized. I still hadn’t prayed yet but I had my answer and it wasn’t found in the “wisdom of men, but in the power of God” (1 Corinthians 2:5). I called my friend and told him I wanted to be baptized and he arranged for a meeting with the missionaries.

The night before my baptism I finally pulled the Book of Mormon out and took up Moroni’s (the angel who delivered the Book of Mormon to Joseph Smith) promise. I knelt down in prayer with a truly sincere heart and real intent and simply asked God if all this was real, if He was real. I didn’t see angels. I didn’t hear an audible voice from heaven. I felt a still small voice whisper in my heart that I already knew this was true. Just like Elijah, I found that the Lords voice “was not in the wind, (nor) in the earthquake (or in the) fire” but in the “still small voice” (1 Kings 19:12). I felt a sure confirmation that what I was doing was right.

When I was baptized I remember coming out of the water and feeling the power of the Holy Ghost come upon me, the first real connection with Heaven I had felt my whole life. I went in the bathroom feeling as though I had arrived on “the shores of the Promised Land and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over (me)” (Ether 6:12). My long journey to discover the truth was over, and “after wading through much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God” (Mosiah 27:28). Since the day of my baptism my life has changed forever, and for the better. I no longer suffer the pains a damned soul. I have seen the glorious vistas of the gospel and found a measure of happiness I never knew existed. Because I have seen and witnessed the glory and majesty of Christ I have “labored without ceasing, that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost” Alma 36:24. Many of those labors took place in the mission I was able to serve for my church for two years in the state of Nebraska. I have been blessed to see others come to a knowledge of what I have witnessed. And that is my greatest desire, to see everyone who wants to return to live with God receive that opportunity.

If your reading this and you doubt the existence of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the restoration of his kingdom upon the earth, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Days, I bear you my solemn testimony that God lives, his kingdom is upon the earth today and it was restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God and it will lead the souls of men out of darkness to behold the glory of God. I know these things because God himself has borne witness to me by the power of the Holy Ghost, through the spirit of revelation and prophecy. I have witnessed him change and mold me into a new person, a new creature in Christ. I invite you to read the Book of Mormon, ponder, and pray about these truths. I promise that if you do with a “sincere heart and real intent” that you will come to “know of these things of which I have spoken, as I do know” (Alma 36:24).

For more answers about the church, visit www.mormon.org.

This is Ryan Workman (my friend who baptized me) and I the day of my baptism.

This is a picture of me while serving my mission in Nebraska.

                          This is my wife and I on the day of our wedding at the Salt Lake Temple