Why I Joined the Mormon Church: Part Two

If this is your first time reading this blog you should read the post from last week. Last week was part one; this post is part two of my conversion story to the Mormon Church. Last week I left you with a depressing cliffhanger, for which I apologize. But before my story gets better I will have to tell you “of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins (Enos 1:2).”

I left off with telling you guys that my journey through a living hell started when I realized that I had no faith in God. It’s important to know that I didn’t become a full-fledged atheist, I leaned more toward agnostic (a term that means I wasn’t sure if there was a God or not). After that moment in class where I realized I didn’t believe in God, I decided that I would have to start from square one and accept the things that I did not know. I knew that I could no longer assume there was a God; I had to find him myself and gain my own conviction that he did in fact exist, or not exist.

With football out of the picture I had lots of time on my hands to think things through and do lots of research. I became bitter towards those who had faith in Christ, particularly those of the LDS faith. My friends around me were mostly LDS so that is what I had to confront. I began to tear down those who had faith, and began researching websites filled with Anti-Mormon sentiment to help me make a case for why it was absurd to blindly accept God and the claims of the Prophet Joseph Smith. My friends were very patient with me and would often bear their testimonies about how they knew, rather than confront me. Although I was lashing out at those around me in anger and frustration, deep down inside I wanted what they had. I wanted to believe there was a God, but my rational mind would not let me accept that notion without a real cause that there indeed was a God.

I had an intense longing to have a true purpose in my life, something to anchor me in an increasingly complex and lonely world. There were many nights where I would lay awake and look at myself in the mirror and wonder who I was, why I was here on earth, and what the purpose of life was. Without faith in the Atonement of Christ life began to lose its flavor, everything about life became dull and gray. All the color and variety of life began to fade away as though it were wisped away in the wind. My relationships with others were greatly affected by those feelings. Hanging out with my friends lost its meaning, conversations lost their flavor, and when I thought of my future I had no motivation to improve because I knew life would end and everything I could accomplish would mean nothing. The fleeting pleasure of sin became superficial and unfulfilling, in essence the “party life” I was leading could not fill the void I felt in my soul. Much like the Nephites (one of the ancient inhabitants of the Americas recorded in the Book of Mormon), the Lord “would not always suffer (me) to take happiness in sin” (Mormon 2:13). Nothing could cure my insatiable thirst for a knowledge of the mysteries of God that were hidden from my eyes. To help you understand the spiritual darkness I was experiencing, (maybe you have experienced this in your life and don’t need the following analogy) imagine that you have been asleep for a long time and you wake up in a pitch-black room with thick darkness pressing upon your body insomuch that you could “feel the vapor of darkness; and there could be no light, because of the darkness” (3 Ne. 8:20-21). All you know at this point is that you exist. You have no idea why you’re in this strange dark room. There are no readily available answers, and you’re not even sure if there is a light switch, let alone where it is. You hope and you pray that one day you will be delivered from the darkness and find the answers that you seek. That is the best way I know how to describe the mental and spiritual hell I passed through for the next few months of my life. But through all of this, I was not truly alone; the Lord wanted me to realize what life was like without him. He wanted me to hit the bottom of the barrel so that the only place to look was up.

I remember vividly the first time during all this that I had a quiet assurance that God did indeed live. I was in the shower pondering and I had this gentle feeling come over me that there was a God. It was subtle but powerful. I got dressed and walked outside to catch the bus to Utah State campus. The wind gently blew in my face and the trees quietly rocked in breeze, and I had the same feeling come over me again, I knew that there would be an end to the darkness. I was immediately filled with a desire to discover who or what God was and what he wanted for my life. I was drawn to the LDS doctrine. It illuminated my mind and answered so many questions that I had never had answered in my previous exposure to religions, but at the same time it created many questions. I began to read more on the internet from the critics of the church and compared that with what I had learned from the missionaries. Over a period of time I realized that I could not logically prove or disprove the claims of Joseph Smith (the founder of the LDS church, a prophet of God) and neither could those who sought to undermine the truthfulness of the church. It slowly dawned on me that I was going to have to take faith on somebodies word, because nobody on the earth today was in the sacred grove with Joseph Smith when God the Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him. That was a hard realization to come to; I knew that faith was the only logical answer because nobody had a true knowledge of those events.

The school year soon came to a close while I wrestled with my faith. I returned home and had time to piece together the hardest year of my life. During the summer there were days when I believed that the LDS church was true and there were days when I had nothing but doubts. I was on the fence deciding which side I wanted to land on. During this period my parents invited to come to church with them, the non-denominational church I grew up going to. I accepted their invitation and attended the sermon. Interestingly this would be the moment that would push me over the edge to accept the truths that the missionaries had taught me. During his sermon the pastor began talking about the Mormon Church. He said that the missionaries had come to his house and asked him to read the Book of Mormon. My ears perked up during this moment because this was the very thing I was going through in my life. He said they asked him to pray about it, and his answer was that he already knew that the Book of Mormon was not a part of God’s plan or gospel and, above all, he knew he didn’t need to pray about it. This was a critical moment for me because that’s when I realized that is exactly what I needed to do; I needed to pray about it. God knew that and he helped me know it. The spirit came over me and warned me that what he had just said was not true. It was an undeniable experience and I knew both what God was trying to say and what it meant. This was the first time I had actually recognized the spirit for what it was during this whole process. It was a shocking answer to me because I didn’t even believe in the Book of Mormon yet, but I knew what I felt. I went home that day and read the small pamphlets the missionaries had given to me months ago. When I read about the plan of salvation, all those truths that had been hidden beyond the veil of unbelief were suddenly as clear to me as the noonday sun on a cloudless day. I felt in my heart that God had a plan for me and I knew that I knew he was real. The doctrines I had been taught by the missionaries were the truths my soul had been hungering for and they filled the holes in my heart. I knew immediately that I wanted and needed to be baptized. I still hadn’t prayed yet but I had my answer and it wasn’t found in the “wisdom of men, but in the power of God” (1 Corinthians 2:5). I called my friend and told him I wanted to be baptized and he arranged for a meeting with the missionaries.

The night before my baptism I finally pulled the Book of Mormon out and took up Moroni’s (the angel who delivered the Book of Mormon to Joseph Smith) promise. I knelt down in prayer with a truly sincere heart and real intent and simply asked God if all this was real, if He was real. I didn’t see angels. I didn’t hear an audible voice from heaven. I felt a still small voice whisper in my heart that I already knew this was true. Just like Elijah, I found that the Lords voice “was not in the wind, (nor) in the earthquake (or in the) fire” but in the “still small voice” (1 Kings 19:12). I felt a sure confirmation that what I was doing was right.

When I was baptized I remember coming out of the water and feeling the power of the Holy Ghost come upon me, the first real connection with Heaven I had felt my whole life. I went in the bathroom feeling as though I had arrived on “the shores of the Promised Land and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over (me)” (Ether 6:12). My long journey to discover the truth was over, and “after wading through much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God” (Mosiah 27:28). Since the day of my baptism my life has changed forever, and for the better. I no longer suffer the pains a damned soul. I have seen the glorious vistas of the gospel and found a measure of happiness I never knew existed. Because I have seen and witnessed the glory and majesty of Christ I have “labored without ceasing, that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost” Alma 36:24. Many of those labors took place in the mission I was able to serve for my church for two years in the state of Nebraska. I have been blessed to see others come to a knowledge of what I have witnessed. And that is my greatest desire, to see everyone who wants to return to live with God receive that opportunity.

If your reading this and you doubt the existence of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the restoration of his kingdom upon the earth, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Days, I bear you my solemn testimony that God lives, his kingdom is upon the earth today and it was restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith. I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God and it will lead the souls of men out of darkness to behold the glory of God. I know these things because God himself has borne witness to me by the power of the Holy Ghost, through the spirit of revelation and prophecy. I have witnessed him change and mold me into a new person, a new creature in Christ. I invite you to read the Book of Mormon, ponder, and pray about these truths. I promise that if you do with a “sincere heart and real intent” that you will come to “know of these things of which I have spoken, as I do know” (Alma 36:24).

For more answers about the church, visit www.mormon.org.

This is Ryan Workman (my friend who baptized me) and I the day of my baptism.

This is a picture of me while serving my mission in Nebraska.

                          This is my wife and I on the day of our wedding at the Salt Lake Temple

Why I joined the Mormon Church

I have wanted to share this story for a long time over the Internet in the hopes it may reach a broader audience than those in my social circles who have heard this about this journey many times. I will share the "spark notes" version to make this an easy read. I am writing this to appeal to a wide audience so I will try to define certain LDS terms for those who are not familiar with the church or its doctrines. The intent of this writing is the same as that of Nephi's (a Book of Mormon prophet) to "persuade men to come unto the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and be saved" (1 Ne. 6:4).  

Here is a little bit of background of my life. I will begin with the most relevant time period in my life, my high school years. I grew up as a non-denominational Christian in a very Mormon community. My family would regularly attend our Christian church on Sundays. This started when I was very young and continued all the way through high school. Most of my friends in high school were of the LDS faith. This didn't really affect my life during high school from a social standpoint, I was just one of the guys. My friends and I would frequently debate certain doctrinal points in conversation when religion came up as a topic of discussion. I was familiar with certain parts of the LDS faith from those discussions and from things I would catch wind of at church. Most of my extended family is LDS and I would attend the church on occasion with them. My knowledge of the LDS church at this point was at best superficial. I was never very interested in religion in those years, but it was a part of my life nevertheless. The main focuses of my life were typical things for teenagers, such as football, weightlifting, friends, and so on. I excelled in football and earned a scholarship to play at a small school in Brevard, North Carolina. It was in North Carolina where I would have my first intimate encounter with the Church. 

The Lord had a guiding hand in my decision to attend Brevard College and play football there. This would be the beginning of an exciting, and painful awakening of who I was as a person and what I believed. The way I got involved with Brevard in the first place was a miracle. My step-Dad at the time ran into one of the assistant coaches through happenstance and showed him my football film. The coach immediately called me and offered me a scholarship. I wasn't interested at first, but through various experiences I was led to call them during the first week of fall camp and accept my scholarship. That would turn out to be one of the most important decisions of my life. While I was there I was overwhelmed by the difficultly of college football and college level classes. Perhaps the most jarring experience was the culture shock. I felt like I was in a different country speaking a new language. Welcome to the south. The bubble that I had grown up in had been completely shattered. This would open my mind and heart to new ideas, for better and for worse. I was swept away quickly into I lifestyle that I had never been exposed to. I wasn't guilty of any heinous sins, but I was certainly lost in the "party life". It was during this time I would meet the missionaries. 

A friend and I were talking and the discussion turned to Utah. He asked me if I was Mormon, (a very typical question from anyone who finds out your from Utah) and I of course responded no. He persisted asking questions about the church to which I had no answers. I told him that I couldn't answer his questions, but I knew who could. We called the LDS missionaries and had them come over to answer his questions. During our first meeting neither my friend nor me were interested in what they had to say. The only reason why I let them come back was because I was too nice to say no when they asked if they could. My friend refused to meet with them again so I met with them on my own. My second discussion with the missionaries turned to salvation and they asked me if I thought we needed to be baptized in order to be saved. I recited to them what I was always taught growing up in my church, that we were saved by the grace of God through faith. They responded by reading to me John 3:5 "except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God." I was completely thrown off guard by the scripture, as I was basically bible illiterate at the time, and didn't know how to respond. The spirit witnessed to me of the truthfulness of their doctrine. I was confused why my pastors growing up had never taught that doctrine as being necessary to our salvation. This experience led me to truly investigate the church with a sincere heart. During my time with the missionaries in Brevard we had lessons multiple times a week. I even attended church with them a few times. I had many questions that I would ask them about Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon. At times in our discussions I could feel deep down that what they were saying was true. Much like Amulek, (another Book of Mormon prophet) “I did harden my heart, for I was called many times and I would not hear; therefore I knew concerning these things, yet I would not know (Alma 10:6).” I politely declined to be baptized when invited because I simply was not ready to change and I wasn’t ready to embrace my budding testimony. This period went on for about two months before I moved back to Utah because I no longer wanted to attend school in North Carolina. The lessons from the missionaries would stick with me over the most trying months of my life.

I decided to transfer to Utah State University to pursue my dream of playing division one football. During my time in North Carolina I had been taught the truth from the missionaries, and “the power of the Holy Ghost (carried) it unto” my heart (2 Nephi 33:1). The Lord would have to humble me over the next several months so I would let the truth into my heart. My dream of playing football was shattered when NCAA denied my wavier to play as a transfer student. Everything I had worked so hard for slipped from my hands. Football was the sun to my earth. Its what drove me. It's what made me get out of bed in the morning. Its presence in my life was the purpose of my life. The absence of football gave me time and a reason to reflect on the true purpose of my life. Was the sole purpose for my existence to bash people’s heads in on the gridiron? Is that what God had made me for? On top of those questions, my experience with the missionaries made me question the foundation of my faith. I began to question whether or not I even believed in God. As I dug into the foundations of my religious faith I realized I didn’t have a true independent witness that there was a God, and never did. My faith in God only existed because my parents and pastors had taught me there was a God. Was that a reason to believe?

I remember the moment it dawned on me that I didn’t believe in God. I felt like someone had taken a vacuum and sucked out the hope in my life. I was sitting in class watching a documentary on factory workers in China. I saw the awful hard lives they had compared to the luxuries I enjoyed. I was thinking about the suffering that God allowed so many to endure. I wondered how a loving God could allow such things to exist. In that moment the small glimmer of faith I had was extinguished. I immediately questioned if life was worth living at all if there was no God, which meant there is no hope in a better world. That was the beginning of my journey through a living hell.

I am sorry to leave you with a cliffhanger but I will post the rest of the story next week!

 -Me during my freshman semester at Brevard College.